Where My Place of Work Becomes A Lavatory...

I have my alley back today! Huzzah and Hooray! Or do I? Do I really? This just happened... I went to my spot to have a puff, as I do when they aren't blocking it off for movies and roadworks and the like, and found a man peeing against a dumpster, 3 feet away from the sidewalk. Uhhhhhh.

Walking into my alley just now was quite like walking into a bathroom where someone is doing number two's or walking into your friends having sex, which is to say, a big, nasty surprise. I wasn't sure what to do, so I did a 180, pirouette style, and stood in front of the coffee shop, in spite of hating to smoke there.

Normally, I'm pretty unflappable and certainly have been known to do my fair share of outdoor peeing (Pee snake!! [and, um, not recently]), but I think that I have good manners enough to not pee in full view of the public. I've also seen, and not been disturbed, by the man who always begs at (what was) my local train station, pee into a cup, very discreetly, but still in full (frontal) view of the general public while continuing to ask for change. That, internet, is dedication to the task at hand! Uhhh, so to speak!

My rant, sir of no fixed address, is not directed at your public urination, as distateful as it was, but rather the lack of discretion. There are dozens of better places where you could have emptied your bladder without offending anyone, including the many public restrooms around Vancouver. In fact, not two blocks away, there is a mall. And in that mall, there is an abundance of toilets to which you can relieve yourself. More importantly, there is also a row of sinks where you can wash your pee hands when you're finished.

In numerical order, I did not appreciate the following:

1. Nobody wants to see you tuck your junk back into your pants as you walk towards them. Tuck and zip at site of urination. I know that you like your willy, but I don't and I certainly don't wish to see it in any context, ever, ever, ever.
2. I don't want to give you money. I have been officially traumatised by you and I'm not paying for the pleasure. I'll be handing that spare change over to my therapist.
3. And no, you cannot use my lighter. You've got piss hands and I don't want you touching any of my personal property with your disgusting, glistening pee hands. Even the thought of if made me rush to the alcohol based lotion, which I despise, to disinfect. But you can't disinfect your soul with that, can you? I'm tainted. Gah!!

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the corner, in the foetal position, gently rocking.

-Clean Hands Anna

Note to the mugless: It's been smashed to smithereens*, sucker.

*Such a great word. Say it with a lisp, it's even better!